UPDATE: G&GG on 5 Continents

Before I begin our review on Arby’s® Chicken Cordon Bleu sandwich, I have some very promising updates. First and foremost, Goodies and Gimmicks Galore has recently seen a very hefty spike in activity. In a new one day record, we accumulated over 189 unique hits on December 28, 2008. The masses have come in an overabundant nature and we couldn’t be happier. At last tally we have hits from forty states plus DC and spanning internationally into twenty four countries including Australia, Italy, France, and even Israel. This web site began with a camera, two brains, and a dream. Now we have over 900 unique visitors. Thank you all for reading and we hope to continue providing you that solid entertainment and insight that only g&gg can provide.

Also I wanted to let everyone know that I have officially ordered my bottle of Flame Body Spray. Ricky’s site changed the status from “out of stock” to “coming in soon, order now to be the first in line” or something to that effect. Whenever I get my hands on this stunning delivery, I’ll be sure to review and document the entire experience for you guys.

REVIEW: Arby’s® Chicken Cordon Bleu

I’m beginning to think the new BBQ Angus is just a ploy by the fast food giants for me to waste gas. Another failed attempt led me to Arby’s®. A sandwich that comes and goes from the menu like Oprah’s waistline, the Chicken Cordon Bleu sandwich is Arby’s® take on a classic French dish. It appears that the sandwich also serves for great foreplay. Take a gander at this:

That commercial holds nothing back, I wonder if an older gentleman might need some Arby's® Sauce to get his ten gallon hat logo elevated like that. Just remember to think Arby's come birthday time.

The original is not traditionally in sandwich form and consists of a piece of chicken rolled up in ham and cheese. Meat, wrapped in meat, wrapped in cheese. Sounds like my kind of meal. But what we have at Arby’s® is a rather simplistic vision of the French classic.



A run down of the layers includes lower bun, fried or grilled chicken patty, freshly sliced ham, and then a melted layer of Swiss cheese and mayo, topped off with the other half of the bun.



I’ll never get over the height, girth, and magnitude all fast food posters give their sandwiches. I have to admit that food modeling is a job field to get into. From what I understand the only rules the FCC mandates is the usage of the normal ingredients received upon purchase. Folding, pumping, bolstering, angling, glistening, and shining are all fair game. These types of tricks fool me every time. What seemed liked a glistening temptress always ends up being a condensed and flaccid shell of its photographs. This battle is kind of like fighting city hall, you just can’t win.



I’m to the point where I no longer expect the photo, but begin visualizing what the sandwich really looks like. If you think I’ve gone off the deep end, then you’re right.

Regardless, I got this baby in my hands and it was still pretty robust despite having the height of Tom Cruise instead of the poster’s LeBron James esque promises. I have to be honest; I’ve never tried the traditional version of this sandwich so I was a little weary of the ham and chicken combo factor. It sounded like a blind man’s peanut butter and jelly. But I have to say that the two meats compliment each other rather well. Arby’s® slices their own deli meats, so the ham was relatively fresh feeling and the chicken breast had the perfect combination of tenderness and crunch.

I have to say that I was not a big fan of the melted cheese and ice cream scoop portion of mayonnaise on top of the sandwich. The two seemed to come forged together, inseparable at best. I attempted to take off the top of the bun and snickerdoodle off some of the mayonnaise, but I found that I couldn’t distinctly tell where the cheese began and the mayo ended.



Regardless, the sandwich was still enjoyable. With the mass amounts of meats and cheese it left me rather full and satisfied. If I could go back I’d tell them to go light on the mayo, maybe a dollop instead of a backhoe sized portion. I’m going to give the Arby’s® Chicken Cordon Bleu a 3/5.

Plenty of stuff on the way from g&gg including Subway’s reprise of the Buffalo Chicken sub, and Pizza Hut’s, The Natural. Keep tuning in, you won’t go hungry.

Arby’s® Chicken Cordon Bleu: 3/5


Until the next sauce,

Andrew

Taco Bell: Bacon Cheddar Gordita Crunch and Strawberry Frutista Freeze [Review]

While the local McDonald's still struggle with getting in the gimmick food that has been advertised for a week, Taco Bell already has their new gimmick despite not even being televised yet. Yes folks, Taco Bell is back at it again with multiple layered bun substitute creations. Before I go on, take a gander at this SNL skit entitled "Taco Town" and just try to wrap your brain around who is the butt of the joke.

Look a little familiar eh? Well Taco Bell has been at this for years, trying to create the ultimate layering of crunch, cheesy, and chewy. They even created a word, cruncheweesy. I'm sure Webster's is fighting down the masses to keep this one out of this year's edition. So after going to McDonald's and again being shunned away like a one legged man in a punt, pass, and kick competition, I made the drive over to the Bell. The poster shined upon my eyes like a beacon light from the distance and I got that unique feeling you can only get whenever you realize that there's a new gimmick out. Its like Christmas morning, a visit from the tooth fairy, and a trip to Cici's all rolled into one. The feeling is only highlighted whenever you find out by pure accident.

Taco Bell usually skimps on their combos when it comes to their gimmicks. Usually only a beverage is included, but this time I was delighted to find that I'd be enjoying a taco as well.



The Taco Bell at Pitt (The University of Pittsburgh) decided that it was a good idea to not install a fryer in their location, making a whole lot of the Bell's tasty endeavors impossible. But being at home allows me to experience the full menu, like a son left for dead returning to his kinfolk.

First of all, lets take a look at the picture of this fold up. I have to go free lance on this one because I haven't yet witnessed a commercial, where taco bell usually runs down their ingredients, but it appears as though we have a gordita shell, which is prompty toppled in shredded and melted cheese and bacon, which as the picture suggests is perfectly and evenly distributed throughout the cheese so that each piece of bacon is equidistant to the sun. We then have what appears to be a fairly standard beef taco implimented within this gordita shell, with beef, lettuce, and toppled with zesty, southwest cheddar sauce. ( I later found that Taco Bell's website is "more than happy" to supply me with ingredients). Well thats the picture, so its time to take a thorough look at what the lifers at Taco Bell created for me.



Its hard to see much of anything with this picture. From all we can tell from this view, we're looking at a whole bunch of carbs, cheese, and lettuce. We may or may not have been gipped out of any form of meat.



Its even sadder to say that this angle does absolutely nothing to reveal any more. There has to beef and sauce somewhere doesn't there?

So upon initial viewings this thing looked flimsier than the last time I went to the mall school graduation. I decided I would need to investigate further. I put on my reading glasses and forceps and looked at the ever important area between the two shells.



It is very clear that the Taco Bell employees do not know how to use their protractors. There is not even a clear coating of cheddar cheese on the shell, but what's even more disheartening is the fact that the bacon is a jumbled mess, hoshposhed together like a bad episode of 60 minutes. I wrapped up this bad boy and took the ever important first bite. My incisors ripped through pita bread, cheese, bacon, taco shell, beef, sauce, and lettuce. It was an ever satisfying first bite, if for nothing else than the fact that the ground beef reared its ugly head.



Overall, despite the fact that gimmick food never looks like the poster, the Bacon Cheddar Gordita Crunch from Taco Bell was very satisfying. It hit the spot and tasted like a mexican bacon burger, if that makes any sense. I'll give it a 4 out of 5.

Now, lets take a quick look at Taco Bell's step into the world of fruit infused beverages and other unique drinks. During the summer, Taco Bell introduced their line of Frutista Freezes. They were supposedly a smooth frozen strawberry drink that was topped with real strawberries. The word "real" just throws me off. I mean you can say anything is real, just as long as its made of matter and it exists. So instead of saying something like fresh strawberries, Taco Bell noted that these strawberries were in fact not figments of our imagination. Because I'm sure when Joseph Schmo is sipping on his Frutista Freeze he'll need a lot of reassurance to know that the beverage in his mouth, does in fact exist. Because the Taco Bell at Pitt is lame, I had to wait until now to take a look at this beverage. Lucky enough for it to made it to a full time menu item, I decided that despite I already got a drink with my combo, I had to go for a freeze as well. Whenever gimmick items make it full time, you can either expect two things. The item has been perfected and when you order it you know what you're gonna get, or it has been long been forgotten about and appearance is lackluster at best.




As you can see, this is a case of the latter. Only 2/3's full and no sign of the Real Strawberries on top, I was greatly besmirched. Hopefully the it would at least taste decent.


The freeze actually did taste good. It had a smooth, real strawberry taste. It didnt' taste like that "too good to be true Fruit Roll Up strawberry" and actually tasted like something resembling fresh. My entire life I've loved any kind of frozen drink, continuously oodling over them throughout my childhood, I've become quite the critic of consistencies and tastes. But I have to tell you we had a pretty consistent and flavorful drink here. And little did I know that the dark substance at the bottom of the beverage turned out to be the Real Strawberries. After mixing them in and even shimmyshamming one to the top, I can confirm that it was real. Still don't know what that proves though.



And lastly, I wanted to talk about Taco Bell's exclusive Mountain Dew beverage Baja Blast. Its amazing to me still that this drink has stayed exclusive. I remember whenever this drink came out I was so excited that I forced my mom to drive me to the Bell just so I could try it out. Not being able to drive at the time, it was quite the fiasco to make pointless trips that I do so often now.



But Baja Blast is described as a tropical lime storm. Its a very refreshing drink and it reminds me of Taco Bell, which is easy to believe. It has a cool lime flavor that rips into your taste buds but then leaves you feeling that crisp refreshment that only a storm can supply.

Because of my color deficiencies I can't really tell you guys what color it is, but it looks fairly unique to me as carbonated beverages go.



Because of the lackluster appearance and lack of real strawberries topped on I'll give the Strawberry Frutista Freeze a 2.5/5 and I'll give the Baja Blast a 4/5 just because its so unique.

Well that was a long one, but Taco Bell has enough gimmicks to choke a full grown goat. So happy holidays once again and we'll hopefully be back soon with that new angus.

Bacon Cheddar Gordita Crunch: 4/5

Strawberry Frutista Freeze: 2.5/5

Mountain Dew Baja Blast: 4/5

Until the next sauce,

Andrew

Flame Cologne: Meat Flavored Cologne, You Better Believe It

As the holiday season approaches, you might be looking for a last minute gift item for that man in your life. The classic gifts for men have always included the likes of sports memorabilia, clothes, wallets, the occasional big screen tv, and of course cologne. As we all know, smell is one the strongest of the senses. Its been scientifically proven that the sense of smell brings back memories better than any of the senses. Finally a sense the colorblind can handle. This is precisely the reason everyone and their brother is in the fragrance industry, even Michael Jordan has a sweaty gym session induced scent roaming the shelves of Gabriel's still. It was only a matter of time until the fast food industry got into the action. Think about this for a second and let it process, yes Burger King has done precisely this with their new cologne body spray Flame.

The discovery has to be credited to my mother, who found a three sentence blurb reporting on this creation in the Pittsburgh Post Gazette. I couldn't believe my eyes, ears, or nose. But this is for real. To give you an idea of what this body spray is really about I will quote word for word Burger King's descriptions:
"The WHOPPER® sandwich is America’s Favorite burger. FLAME™ by BK® captures the essence of that love and gives it to you. Behold the scent of seduction, with a hint of flame-broiled meat."

Apparently the essence of love has nothing to do with romance anymore than a sirloin or a pork chop does. The product is being exclusively distributed through a halloween store in New York known as Ricky's, some of the comments regarding the product are truly priceless. Including the harrowing tale of man and his experience with feminine nostril flaring in the deli department and a man being chased by dogs. It sells for a whopping $3.99 and unfortunately is currently sold out. For one of the best moments of your life I highly suggest you go to check it out on BK's new website dedicated to the cologne. Balls on burger king for fumbling one on that url, it would have been 34% more enjoyable had they spelled meets with an "a".

This website proves without a shadow of a doubt that this fragrance does in fact exist and is all too real. Burger King spent money and resources from research and development, to create a cologne for men that would truly drive the girls wild. One that smells like meat. I know every girl I've ever known wants their man to smell like he just rolled out of the BK lounge, Whopper pants and all. Burger King hopelessly went over the edge with this website, with a soulful man whispering sweet nothings like nobody's business. Images include, chocolate covered strawberries, the King lounging on a bearskin rug and uttering the magical words "Stop, drop and rolllll", and then a rather disturbing clip of a man writing a love letter entirely in french. Someone needs to decipher this letter, one can only imagine the hidden innuendo and naughty one liners Burger King included to further merge the idea of love making and burgers. Lets just say I'll never think of deep tissue massages again without hearing the words "oh so good" going through my subconscious.

I don't know about you, but I have never in my wildest dreams thought to myself, wow I'm really having trouble attracting women, I should really get some lunch meat and rub it all over my body. I might be crazy, but that never crossed my mind. Are woman really attracted to men who smell like flame broiled beef? I can't think of any time in the history of civilization post shower that the idea of flame broiled meat would turn a girl on.

It is impossible for me to explain the pure hilarity this entire concept brings to g&gg, so I strongly suggest anyone and everyone to get together with friends and family alike, to take in the experience. This could truly be the holiday of beef.

If anyone has any inside information about where we get our hands on this cologne, whether its through ebay or a blackmarket let us know either in the comments or by writing us up at goodiesandgimmicks@gmail.com Also if there are any females out there who can declare their love for burger scented man flesh, feel free to leave a comment as well.

In other news, g&gg reader Fillet broke news to me about McDonald's going gimmick style with the angus third pounders already. We saw in our initial review there was a "special" flap on the burger holster and they sure didn't waste any time in putting it to use. In quite possibly the longest title for a gimmick sandwich in fast food history McDonald's is set to unveil the New Angus Chipotle BBQ Bacon Third Pounder. While a visual thats savable is currently impossible to find, the site for this monstrosity can be found here. Upon first glance, it looks eerily similar to current bacon and cheese variety with a smooth and tangy sauce on top.

I was so excited that I woke up early on a Sunday to drive over to the nearest McDonald's. I went up and asked for "That new chipotle angus burger". Much to my dismay the employee had a bewildered look of horror on her face. She said that she's never even heard of such a thing. I told her that I heard about it and she looked at me as if I were speaking in tongues of blasphemy. In other words, they don't even have it yet, but when they do this particular employee will think of me as a prophet. Well not quite.

So enjoy all of the links, especially BK's official Flame site. I look forward to hearing your comments and I'll be back as soon as I can get my hands on that Angus.

Happy holidays and until the next sauce,

Andrew

We're Back: Review of the Pizza Hut Panormous

So with finals week behind us at the University of Pittsburgh, its time to start the train once again. Again, all of my apologies to the loyal readers who have the unfortunate experience the last couple of weeks of logging on only to see Tropical Bottled Water staring back at you. Christmas is coming and we're home for the holidays. There's no school to worry about so we're gonna be bringing you reviews like its the eighth grade picnic.

Pizza Hut is back at it ladies and gents. It seems they didn't get their full of ludicrous statements with the Tuscani Pastas, they are now making statements so inflammatory that the false advertisement agencies had to go on sabbatical.

Notable quotes from the commercial include "this things a monster" and "we're never gonna finish this"

With the release of the Panormous Pizza, Pizza Hut has accompanied their ad campaign with the catch phrase "This pizza is so big that it never ends, so the party never ends." I'm not sure about you, but I've never seen a pizza that just doesn't end. There has to be a boundary somewhere, Pizza's aren't like snakes with regenerating tails. This might be a time for Pizza Hut to try out my patented idea for an "All You Can Eat Buffet" to go. Maybe, you could rent out the delivery man for a four hour stretch and any time you got down to two slices he would reappear with more za.

To test this I convinced my family to take on this beast with me and I called up the local Hut, ordering the Panormous with Pepperoni on one sector and Mushrooms on the other. As you can see the box is pretty huge.



Pizza Hut claims that this dude is 40% larger than their large pan pizza.



In reality the Panormous appears to be two side by side sicilian style rectangular pizzas. I really think it would have been interesting to see Pizza Hut use the original circle style pizza idea and enlarge that by 40%. I can't imagine buying a pizza having the diameter of a party sub, but it sure would have been nice to see. WIth the help of my mother's trusty measuring tape I attempted to size her up.



Measuring in at a staggering 16 inches wide by 12 inches tall, the Pizza Hut Panormous Pizza has a surface area measuring 192 inches. That is a lot of Pizza, but it does end based on my scientific calculations. And also despite what Pizza Hut thinks, it is not big enough to have its own zip code. I must say that for whatever reason I really enjoyed the way the crust tasted on the Panormous. I've always been a fan of the classic fast food Pan Pizza, the crust is undeniably pre fabricated and formed but its consistent. But the Panormous' pan crust just seemed to have that extra genuine kick of flavorful dough. Maybe it was because I hadn't eaten all day but I was extremely satisfied with the Panormous.

Based on the fact that you can feed a small division of the Soviet Army with this Pizza and the fact that its only $12.99 not including Pepsi (watch the commercial), I have to give the Panormous 4/5 stars.

Pizza Hut Panormous Pizza: 4/5

So there you have it, as promised Mike will be around soon to begin taking on the world surplus of mushrooms, so stay tuned as more and more updates will meander their way back on to the site.

Until the next sauce,

Andrew

And PS, for all of those of you who loved the commercial sized version the "McNuggets Lovin" commercial, I found the directors cut while perusing the internet. Not only did McDonald's have the audacity to make this commerical, they went back into the production room and did a remix. Notice the exorbitant levels of repeating, "dip dip dip dip dip'n", and the chicks finger wag at the end. All thoroughly priceless.